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Saturday, May 8, 2010

this explains everything

Have you ever been merrily driving along listening to the Jonas Brothers or whatever when some asshole cuts you off, and you're suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to make a shelter out of that person's skin? Well now we know why:

The draft sequence of the Neanderthal genome, obtained from DNA fragments extracted from 40,000-year-old bones, shows that ancestors of modern Eurasians interbred to some extent with the Neanderthals they encountered as they moved out of Africa between 50,000 and 80,000 years ago.

The discovery, published in the journal Science , contradicts the view of most palaeontologists that there was no interbreeding between Neanderthals and modern humans.

Right, grandpa10. You only "talked" and went out on "one date". Way to slum it.

But hey, good news for Africans finally:

To their surprise, the researchers found that everyone of Eurasian origin – including people from East Asian and New Guinea where Neanderthals never lived – carried a similar amount of Neanderthal DNA, while sub-Saharan Africans had none.

Yea yea, AIDS, poverty, ecological disaster, "government", sure. Well you know what? At least we didn't FUCK NEANDERTHALS.

All this, by the way, on the day the S&P drops 8% in 5 minutes because some dingus forgot his dialing wand and typed a "b" for "billion" instead of an "m", which is significantly less, according to math. But they are very close on the keyboard almost.

[below]: Citigroup trading desk reacts to the share price collapse of Squirrel Pelts, Plc. Thursday. (photo: Bloomberg)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

marketing challenges

ISDA, the business association tasked with defending the usefulness of useless synthetic collateralized debt obligations that destroyed the solar system, thinks the time is ripe for a whole new kind of derivative: sharia-compliant ones.

Haha, everyone hates derivatives enough already without the word "Muslim" attached. Good luck with that. But for those who have longed to make leveraged bets on how many times some trilobite on Saudi TV says "death to Israel", your wait will soon be over.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

This Week in Poorly Thought-Out Currency Unions

Germany finally decided to bomb Greece with money to save the euro. But it will cost them:

On top of the wage freeze, public sector workers will lose their “13th and 14th month” salaries, paid at Christmas and Easter, and see further cuts in allowances.

Andreas Loverdos, social affairs minister, told the Financial Times that pensioners would also lose seasonal bonuses as part of an overhaul of the underfunded state pension system. The average retirement age would be raised from 53 at present to 67, he said.

So Greek public sector workers no longer get paid for "Smarch" and "Cocktober", and they have to work past 53. Quelle horreur! But in Greek.

You know what'll solve this? Setting banks on fire, obviously.

Also, someone slipped Brad, the photoshop guy at The Economist, the brown acid. (KEEP DOING THIS.)