ESPN is set to launch history's first 3D tele-mo-tron station. And you thought seeing Derek Jeter scratch his nuts in HD was the pinnacle of human progress? Well, you, sir, are a fucking idiot.
Google is opening a store, on the internet somehow (?), to sell its new Google phone thing that no one is buying.
Everyone thought Warren Buffett was going to intervene in the Cadbury bunny saga but it turns out he didn't because this story is a week old.
The Bank for International Settlements invited top private bankers for a top-secret entirely public meeting that Ron Paul and Lyndon LaRouche think is completely nothing to worry about. Actually the BIS yelled at them for their risky business dealies.
Senator Chris Dodd and his hair are sick of Senatoring and will retire this year so as not to lose embarrassingly to a Republican. Democrats will now get a chance to run someone with approval ratings in the double digits and will likely win, because the hedge fund capital of America is also solidly communist somehow. Since Dodd is leading financial regulatory reform efforts in the Senate, everyone is now wondering whether he'll roll over to banking lobbyists with their free handjobs, or "stick to his principles", which is the same thing.
Goldman Sachs is parting with its Japanese mistress of 24 years:
The relationship was cemented by an agreement that allowed Goldman to tap SMFG’s vast balance sheet to help its corporate clients execute trades and do deals.This is how it always starts. One minute she's letting you tap her "vast balance sheet", now its all arbitration proceedings and paternity suits.
Two dingleberries in the British Labor party---oh, I'm sorry, "Labour" party---thought it would be a good idea to challenge Gordon Brown's leadership just as he actually started gaining on the Conservative's sexy David Cameron in the polls. Poor Alistair Darling was left to twitch his massive eyebrows in confusion.
Ghanian authorities are probing, in the butt, allegations that an oil company with links to a former president helped a Texas-based company secure blocks in a newly discovered offshore oil field at unreasonably sexy terms.
President Obama said "the buck stops with me" over that whole weenerbomber thing. This is a welcome improvement over George W. Bush's "the buck stops here. Well, over there, actually. No, not there. Back a little. No, left.....no......just keep going. Almos--HEY LOOK A PONY!"
Former McKinsey director Anil Kumar, who may or may not frequent White Castle, pleaded guilty to funneling information to his fat Sri Lankan friend in that insider trading thing everyone's already forgotten about.
America added to its massive army of killer mutant Unemploids.
JP Morgan completed the assimilation of Bear Stearns, a famous bank-type thing that collapsed while its boss played cards (this is true). Gone forever is Bear Stearns' memorable corporate logo, the, uh, typed words "BEAR STEARNS". *Tear*
The Financial Times sent a questionnaire to leading banks about how they will deal with UK banker bonus tax. Paying even more ridiculously large bonuses and telling shareholders to suck it was a popular response. Except for Goldman and JP Morgan, who just threw the survey in the trash like normal people.
A Swiss federal court ruled that Swiss authorities broke Swiss bank secrecy laws when Swiss authorities gave up secret Swiss banking information to the United States, from Switzerland. Also they ski and make cheese there.
And in Ukraine, the IMF postponed Christmas so their indigenous munchkins were forced to put off the traditional "stand in line like idiots" until January 7th.