...news, moderately offensive commentary, f-bombs...

Thursday, December 31, 2009

God's work

Haha, just, why. The Financial Times names Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd "G-Sach" Blankfein its Human Person of the Year. Fortunately for them everyone who hates this (i.e. everyone) is too poor to subscribe to the Financial Times.

Which reminds me, something is wrong with this Goldman Sachs ad. Let's see...























Oh right.























Fixed it!

Haha, it was a joke!

For the record, Goldman-bashing has always annoyed me a little, to the extent that I care, which is not at all, but jesus, this is why God invented the copy-and-paste tool.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

FT front page roundup: Change Edition

Hahaha, Lehman Brothers, you'll recall, the bank that collapsed and died and ignited the horrible sequence of events that led drunk illiterate rednecks to willingly vote en masse for a black Mexican Arab Kenyan named Hussein for President of Earth? IT'S STILL PAYING OUT BONUSES.

China's banks are being ordered to boost capital after going on their own government-led subprime lending spree of joy recently.

Silvio Berlusconi's approval ratings ticked up a bit after he was hit in the face by a church, as we've previously discussed. Unpopular leaders everywhere (i.e. everyone except Putin) consider staging such attacks.

Grand Ayatollah Hossein Ali Montazeri died in Iran. He was once in line to succeed Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomenei but fell out after saying it probably wasn't very nice to kill literally everyone in the last government, which made him a "dissident". Also he went to Phish concerts. Iranian opposition protesters will now get their mourn on, plus tear gas.

FT front page roundup

Business leaders were very upset over the lack of clarity in the Copenhagen climate change dealie that they suddenly care about. This actually is a big deal since it will soon pay to make coal-powered cars if the carbon price drops any further. Al Gore must be spinning in his grave.

The "elected" "president" of "Afghanistan", Hamid Karzai, Earth's foremost garden gnome of corruption, appointed his corrupt new cabinet that everyone hates.

Airbus and Boeing, which compete solely to transport Happy Meals to the soldiers in whatever country the US invaded that week, got all pissy over some WTO report. The fact is they both complain about the huge subsidies the other gets while studiously ignoring the huge subsidies that they get, because, you know, fairness?

Let's see, the socioredistributizationalist healthcare bill cleared some more hurdles somehow. But Ben Nelson does not want me to get an abortion. It's my body, Ben!

And oh hey, right, if you WEREN'T DRIVING IDIOTS AROUND IN A BLIZZARD FOR 15 HOURS STRAIGHT then you may not have noticed it snowed a lot last weekend. I did not have such problems.

FT front page roundup

Climate negotiations in Copenhagen ended with a watered-down "deal" that everyone agreed was not a deal at all and what the fuck are you talking about?

Rich country negotiations stagnated after Friedrich Reinfeldt of Sweden noticed Angela Merkel's manhands, and the acrimony reached a head when Hugo Chavez and Evo Morales led developing countries in a surprisingly catchy "yo, fuck the po-po-polar bears". And who cares about yanqui gringo bears anyway.

John Mack of Morgan Stanley decided not to take a year-end bonus since his bank will likely make a loss. REVOLUTIONARY.

And Google's cutting-edge 21st-century genius nerd plan of scanning books that no one reads so as to be easily sued by their destitute authors is going swimmingly, like polar bears.

FT front page roundup: As I Struggle to Catch Up Edition

Deutsche Bank plans to share the pain of a new UK banker's bonus tax in much the same way BDSM parlor attendees share it, i.e. on the buttocks by some German guy (Josef Ackermann).

Beard enthusiast Ben Bernanke will almost certainly get a second term at the Fed over Republican's impotent bitching.

Activist ("communist") investors are taking advantage of a CRAZY recent SEC ruling that allows a company's owners to have a say in the succession of CEOs. Insane, right?

And Silvio Berlusconi was set to make his acting debut in Phantom of the Opera II, which is just him nailing 18-year-olds to organ music for three hours.

ACTUALLY he was released from the hospital after a mental threw a tiny cathedral at his face, doing severe damage to his plastic surgery, also teeth.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

FT frontpage roundup: THE RETURN OF THE FT FRONT PAGE ROUNDUP

I'm stuck in the snowpocalypse, so why not. Some motherfucking headlines!

Failbank Citigroup was all set to free itself from Tim Geithner's deadly reacharound like every other bank but still somehow managed to fuck that up. Someone at Citi thought it might be funny to lowball the government in it's planned share offering so instead it will now be kicked in them (the balls).

Important news in financial innovation. Insurance companies will soon offer protection to companies who stand to suffer reputational damage when their spokespeeps, oh I don't know, get caught straight-up nailing pornstars and fire hydrants and trees and shit.

Some insider trading thing, who cares.

In order to soothe investor concerns about all this inflation that there isn't any of, the Federal Reserve announced an end in February to some of its special liquidity programs, like its Bernanke FunBucks swap lines with foreign central banks. Little awkward breaking up right before Valentine's day. Still, THRILLING.

And Danish police dressed as Legos broke up David Bowie's rendition of Cats for reasons that should be obvious.