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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

FT front page roundup: Stupidly Misleading Headline Edition

I woke up yesterday morning afternoon and wandered outside to find my FT, waiting patiently as always below the dent in my front door. Plastered above the fold was this headline:
Summers backs state action
Holy dog shit, Summers backs nationalization? Or is this some thinly-veiled metaphor for his renowned sex parties, also to be nationalized somehow? Do tell!

Oh, hey, yea. Nothing about the banks at all. You fucking cockteases. A more accurate headline would have been "Summers backs things Summers is doing already". To think I actually stood there reading this while the 20-something hottie across the street cleaned out her car. Creepily staring at her would have been a much better use of those two minutes.

Anyway. The Asian Development Bank reckons the total fall in asset prices across the world for 2008 was around $50 trillion, give or take several trillion. Fortunately, I know the remedy for multi-trillion dollar wealth destruction...

Kittens. With poor motor skills.



Take that, Asian Development Bank.

Bank of America is canceling a program to recruit foreign MBA graduates of US schools due to conditions laid out in the TARP. Where will foreigners learn to make poor acquisitions and run their financial conglomerates into the ground like their hero, America?

In an interview, human dildo Hank Greenberg, fast replacing John Thain as the object of my impotent rage, berated the government for fumbling the bailout of his beloved AIG, which still exists only because of the government bailout.

He specifically blasted the AIG's purchase of collateralized debt obligations from counterparties at face value to avoid triggering payouts on credit default swaps written on those CDOs as a bad deal for the company. This, of course, is true, but guess who led AIG's charge into credit derivatives? Yes, Hank Greenberg, and his huge, wrinkly balls. He is literally the only person who is not allowed to complain about this.

And some potato-hugging douche-nozzles from an IRA splinter group killed two British soldiers outside their base in Northern Ireland, wounding two others and the two pizza delivery guys they were talking to. Patriots.

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