My new laptop manual advises me not to place the device on my lap. What mindfuckers. My warm balls and I will do whatever we want now, thanks. To the news!
Beard enthusiast Ben Bernanke told Congress that banks wont be nationalized and everything will be fine as long as they keep getting free money forever.
Welfare queen Citigroup is lining up it's third bailout arrangement with the Treasury, which will likely take a 40% stake in the company, and is becoming impossible to make fun of.
Barack Obama managed to deliver an unofficial State of My Package address in between signing autographs for children in Congress. We look forward to upcoming steroid revelations.
Bobby Jindal, the Republican's Great Brown Hope, gave the unofficial response which was politely described as "insane" and a "disaster", but only by people who saw it. Sarah Palin will be thanking all of Jindal's multi-limbed foreign demon gods for his performance. At least someone finally took a stand against volcano monitoring and magical fairy trains.
(Ok, seriously, I can't get over the fact that mag-lev trains and monitoring deadly volcanoes are the best examples of government waste Republicans could come up with, one of which being in direct conflict with the whole "pro-life" agenda. Hilarity.)
Google's free online G-mail service, which I use, suffered a two-hour long system crash, preventing me from seeing my new dating site matches and, far more importantly, preventing them from seeing me.
And Merrill Lynch, the failboat now being towed into port by Bank of America, under-reported its 2008 losses by $500 million. Ha, whoops!