...news, moderately offensive commentary, f-bombs...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

FT front page roundup: Rage-Inducing Sub-Heading Edition

Normally I am filled with joy to be awakened by the latest edition of the FT pelting my front door at 6am, by an obviously disgruntled delivery man who can't understand why anyone except the local learning college could possibly want this gay-looking elitist homo paper. I'm sure my roommates, now also lying awake, have wondered the same thing. But I know that whether I have to "work" or not, I will be spending a few hours of my day wasting time in the most intelligent way possible.

So as I cheerfully stumbled out of bed, at 2pm, imagine as my joy turned to rage having to read this...
Treasury bank plan pushes shares up
...but with the subheadings:
Institutions to have six months to raise capital

Investors relieved that stress test not too hard
You goddamn motherfuckers.

First of all, guess what we'll be writing about in six months. Second, raising capital from who? Oh, wait, I remember. And thirdly, a stress test that provokes relief from bankers is not a stress test. Vikram Pandit and Ken Lewis, on treadmills, for 6 days, while Tim Geithner and Ben Bernanke take turns shooting paintballs at their genitals. That is a stress test.

So, yea. Both the Fed and Treasury have been making a point of killing any idea of nationalization in the last few days. The new plan leaves open the possibility of taking larger government stakes in banks at the end of six months, but, as many esteemed economists have already pointed out, that is six months away, which would mark two full years into the financial crisis. With the same problem. That we started with.

Everyone restock your Japanese zombie bank survival kits, what with the brain-eating and all, since hanging around Washington they're probably not going to find any.

Moving on, the government's new restructuring plan for AIG is considering forgiving a $60 billion---oh, for fuck's sake! The plan foresees beaking the company into three or four teensy failures instead of one huge one.

Luxury goods maker Saks [insert testicle joke here] Fifth Avenue has ended its aggresive discounting drive after too many commoners began wandering into their stores.

Ayatollah Barack Hussein Obama outlined a ten-year $630 billion healthcare fund to improve upon our current system.

And a Turkish passenger jet crashed in Holland, killing most of the crew but saving everyone else.

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