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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

post-post-partisanship

::As my lone commenter points out, Mike at C&L was kind enough to link to me, even with the deluge of f-bombs and god knows what else. Thanks, dude! And welcome all C&Lers! Oh yea, wipe your damn feet!::

Well then, Mr. Obama. Congratulations on getting your stimulus bill over the first hurdle. But I noticed that your new best friends weren't so enthusiastic, and that the number of 'yes' votes from the R's hovered somewhere between one and zero.

Allow me to offer some free, drunken advice. I just got done watching Mongol, which sucked balls, but the story of the rise of Genghis Khan nevertheless has much to say about the perils of excessive bipartisanship. Mr. Khan initially tries to accommodate his rival khans who are always whining about tax cuts and boys kissing while the yurt foreclosure crisis continues unabated. Mr. Khan's attentiveness to their needs merely provokes more ridiculous concerns that bear no resemblance to reality. So he simply slaughters them, invades China or whatever, and everyone still in two pieces or less is much better off for the effort.

Bipartisanship is not without its place, of course, assuming the opposition is composed of responsible, well-meaning adults whose economic vocabulary consists of words other than "tax" and "cuts". Clearly that's not what you're dealing with.

So yea, dude, you tried. You told suit-wearing penis Mitch McConnell that he really didn't look like a wrinkled old penis in a suit. You comforted special-needs child Eric Cantor that his brain function was nothing to be ashamed of, even though it is. You told worthless dildo John Boehner that he's almost as good as those multi-setting three-pronged super dildos, even though he's not, and that its okay to wear a pink tie and cry on C-SPAN, even though it fucking isn't. You gave them their tax cuts. You got them wasted, etc. etc.

heroes

And what do you have to show for any of it? What did all this cuddly elephant-hugging, minority-pandering post-partisanship get you, Mr. Obama? Ha, not a single fucking vote.

Here's hoping you've learned a valuable lesson tonight, one you should be thankful to have learned so early on in your presidency.

And now comes the opportunity. Rewrite the bill. Cut out the tax cuts and whatever else you put in to secure votes you didn't get. Write the bill you wanted in the first place, but don't let House Democrats load it up with too many subsidized gay abortions for preschoolers which we know they love. And if Republicans want to stand in the way of it, the Save America From A Recession, Totally (SAFART) bill, then fucking let them. Americans will remember, for once, because they'll post a big note inside the cardboard refrigerator box they'll be living in.

Indeed, allowing them to try and block it will make even bothering to campaign in 2012 completely unnecessary.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

you might want to give a shout to Mike @ Crooks and Liars for sending peeps here for this delightful and boog blowingly funny post !!! welcome all the C&Lers to your humble little abode and invite them to sample the wares !!!

good stuff here !!! will be back !!

Anonymous said...

So funny that I pooped a little.

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