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Monday, January 5, 2009

Guest Blogger: John Maynard Keynes

Good evening, bitches. Amidst the tumult of an oncoming global recession, I wish to take this opportunity to offer your fine new Negro president some friendly advice. It has come to my attention that his proposed stimulus package would rely heavily on tax cuts, which I'm sad to say, will prove inadequate.

The argument over whether public or private spending is more effective is as old as my testicles. The problem is that businesses and consumers are retrenching, which is a fancy word for not making or buying shit. Tax cuts are likely to be ineffective since businesses wont be paying much taxes anyway, and consumers will simply hand over their stimulus checks to their bank or loanshark.

That being said, public spending has its own drawbacks, as it is unclear whether the dundertards in your government will prove adept at targeting spending any better than your mindless consumers. Clearly there is space for an extensive upgrade of your decaying bridges and motor-carriageways, but this I'm afraid will not be enough. There seems to be nothing stopping government spending merely being recycled from paychecks to bank accounts.

Therefore I must insist that any stimulus merely ensure that the money be spent, not saved. A simple way to do this would to have the government contract a credit card company and have them issue debit cards on their behalf. The cards would not be redeemable for cash and have a specific expiry window, ensuring one either spends it or loses it. The plan could be tinkered with in any number of ways to give preference to consumption of certain goods and services over others. You assholes wanted bang for the buck, well here it is.

Anyhoo, my assistant informs me that this fine computer machine allows one to look at young Welsh boys touching themselves for a modest fee. My, it's a wonder you people get anything done these days! Good luck, America!

John Maynard Keynes is a renowned UK economist and was designer of the Bretton Woods international financial architecture. He currently serves as chief economic adviser to Jesus Christ.

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