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Thursday, January 1, 2009

The FT's giant crystal balls

The Financial Times rounds off 2008 by demanding vague predictions from its journalists, so as to destroy their reputations when they get everything wrong just like last year. Take it away.

Will the recession end in 2009?
- Chris Giles
2009 will almost certainly be the worst year since 2008. "Uncertainty" will be it's watchword, as opposed to 2008's "clusterfucktacular." So to answer your question, I don't know.

Will China revalue its currency? - Martin Wolf
According to numbers, to the extent China wants to export things no one will buy, then almost certainly maybe. Trade War 2010!

How far will central banks go? - Krishna Guha
Remember when your girlfriend got really drunk that night? Dude, that far.

Will the banks be taken over by the state? - Peter Thal Larsen
Um, yea hey, in case you forgot, banks still have lots of money to lose and still aren't lending. Five-year plans for everyone.

What will equities do? - Chris Brown-Humes
You're asking me that? Fuck you.

Will oil end the year above $40 a barrel? - Ed Crooks
I'd be stupid to answer this question. Oil will end up below $40.

Whose reputation will be made in 2009? - Alan Beattie
Incoming Treasury secretary Tim Geithner, onto whom we can project our admiration or hatred depending on what happens, which he probably can't do anything about anyway.

Will Obama's New Deal work? - Clive Crook
The new New Deal II: The Smell of Fear, will stop most people from eating their pets for sustenance but will then taper off in effectiveness after Obama is stricken with polio.

How many US carmakers will survive? - John Gapper
Two. They will make Japanese cars.

Will the US lift the embargo on Cuba? - Stephen Fidler
No, that would make too much sense.

Will Israel and Palestine make peace? - Roula Khalaf
Ahahahahaha. Ahaha. Ah. Hehe. Ah-hm. No.

Will Kim Jong-il keep hold of the reins of power? - David Pilling
Assuming he is still alive, and wasn't a humanoid cyborg, and that we'll even know either way, then maybe.

Will Israel or the US bomb Iran? - Gideon Rachman
No, for fuck's sake. Stop asking.

Will scientists create artificial life? - Clive Cookson
Yes, just to stick it to God, we'll make our own Jesus.

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