Barack Obama and his econonerds are set to announce a "big bang" catch-all financial rescue dealie, which will work itself out over the next 13 billion years.
A diplomatic spat erupted when Turkish prime minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan told Shimon Peres, Israel's former Mexican president, to "talk to the hand" during a debate at Davos, since Erdogan was not allotted enough time to call Peres a turdface. This is the worst disaster in debate moderation since John Adams stabbed William Pitt on Meet the Press in 1778.
Germany is making its banks put all their toxic assets into superfun travel-size scheiße banks.
Morgan Tsvangirai, leader of Zimbabwe's opposition MDC, who actually won the election, will relent and join Epic Cocksucker Robert Mugabe's "national unity" government so everyone doesn't die of cholera.
And its the 30th anniversary of Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini's return from exile to Iran. Like everyone with 15 kids, the Ayatollah fathered some worthless hippies.