The United Kingdom announced the Bailout to End All Bailouts for its banks, which will never need to be bailed out again. Promise.
Change-licker Barack Obama will impose new conditions on bank bailouts, making banks lend the rescue money. As a reward, Obama will buy all of the shitty assets that they got the last time they lent money.
The Commodity Futures Trading Commission is being overwhelmed by the number of Ponzi schemes coming to light as douchebags rush to confess their douchebaggery since everyone else was doing it.
Israel ran out of people and food to bomb so declared a unilateral ceasefire in Gaza. Hamas scumbags haven't and didn't.
And North Korea may be engaging in uranium enrichment in violation of whatever agreement they last signed because they broke the one before it. Suspicions were raised last year when documents submitted by North Korea were found to have traces of enriched uranium on them. Haha! Oh, North Korea, you fail.