A black man beat up president Bush and made him hand over $350 billion. He then carved a 'B' into his face, for 'Bailout'.
Standard & Poor's threatened to downgrade Spain, which has a huge current account deficit and is facing a deep recession. There is literally nothing funny about this.
Citigroup's deal with Morgan Stanley will net the government $4 billion in tax revenue, which it will use to bailout Citigroup again.
Scienticians have discovered that traders with certain ring-index finger ratios are more profitable, because of hormones. Those traders are now using their pretty hands to commit unspeakable acts to pay their mortgages.
...A note on the study above. The authors give no timeframe for their research, so basically a bunch of testosterone-fueled douchebags did better when the market was on an upswing anyway. Previous studies have already noted this, and also that this same group was more prone to mania and then despair when their pussy girly hormones kicked in as the market turned, which proves that everything's great until it isn't. Hormones are procyclical, the end.
Update: Hm. Let it be known that the same fucking guy authored both of the studies and that I tried to use one to downplay the other. This is why I don't get paid.