Prosecutors are urging a judge to put superfraud Bernard Madoff in jail for letting relatives take $1m in jewelry out of his apartment in violation of his house arrest. His entire family will now have to wear one of those electronic dog fence things.
Steve Jobs, who appeared deathly thin at the last Apple shareholder meeting, has a "hormonal imbalance", and is almost certainly not dying.
Ex-Ebay CEO Meg Whitman, fresh from helping John McCain lose the presidency to some black guy, is preparing to run for governor of California, where she will lose.
Luxury table maker Waterford Wedgewood is totally fucked, so rich people will be forced to buy poor people tables to put stuff on just like everyone else.