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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Capital Injections #17

The federal bailout of every bank ever was justified because the failure of the financial system posed a systemic risk to the entire economy. Credit markets seized almost entirely. The boring mainstays of finance like money markets and trade finance were disrupted along with the sexier credit derivative kind.

But then came the car companies. Everyone pitied them so we stretched the definition of 'systemic' so they could get in on the action. Some complained at the time this would set an awful precedent, leaving the door open for just about anyone to request federal money.

Well here's just about anyone. From ThinkProgress:
Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis and Hustler magazing publisher Larry Flynt have asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout, arguing that their industry is also one of the “nation’s most important businesses“:

[A]ccording to Flynt the recession has acted like a national cold shower. “People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt says, “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.”

While not to the degree felt by banks and automakers, the Adult Entertainment industry has been hit by the effects of the economic downturn. DVD sales and rentals have decreased by 22 percent in the past year as viewers turn to the internet for adult entertainment.

Yes, people won't fuck and make babies. It really doesn't get any more systemic than that.

Mr. Bloggington has decided to tentatively support the porn bailout, on the condition that the Fed or Treasury get to name the features it sponsors, and so long as they all contain public service announcements about predatory lending and adjustable-rate mortgages in between all the anal sex.

Here are my title suggestions. Feel free to add your own.

Liquidity Traps

Asset Swaps

Propensity to Consume

Disposable Income

Liquidity Operations

Accounts Receivable

Gaping Deficits

Front-End Loads

Cash Infusions

Regulatory Arbitrage

Executive Compensation

Naked Shorts

Quantitative Easing

Deposit Withdrawals

Fannie Does Freddie

Crack Spreads

Barack's Stimulus Package

Asset Strippers

High Turnover

Swap Facilities

Overleveraged

Private Placement

Distressed Assets

and my favorite...
Overpaid Cocksuckers

Jesus, this is so much like my dreams its scary.

2 comments:

fastfeat said...

Seriously funny dude!

Blogger said...

I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.