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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

8 fucking years

That silly ole Constitution made George Bush surrender America today. Fortunately Barackaham Oblincoln is riding his soul train to Washington as we speak, where he will hold a promising and statistically insignificant chance of fixing anything noticeably forever, hooray! But my, has it been eight years already? Gee wiz...

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Here was America in 2000. Remember him? This sprightly young go-getter was at the top of his game. He had a decent job with, uh, some benefits. His pension still existed and government programs to care for him in his old age still had, like, some money left over. His children were going to school to get super smart so they could think up the next big idea in aerospace engineering or internet porn. And he was really popular too! Even some Muslims wanted to be like him! He'd just won the whole Cold War thing against France or whatever and retained only a moderate desire to bomb and rage on brown people half-way across the globe. Ha, you go, America!

But eight years later...

...and look at him now. His bank just foreclosed on his house, or would have if it hadn't just failed and fired everyone, including his wife, who is fucking the guy at the unemployment office. His government is broke and dependent on the charitable givings of Asian dictatorships. His kids are on deployment somewhere fighting Islamoterrorpirates. His whole infantile Freudian desire to needlessly remake foreigners in his own glorious image failed when the foreigners, like, started fighting back. Everyone now hates him and thinks he's a dick because he thinks torture is cool, which it totally is. For shame.

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I must say that's quite a legacy to rack up in less than a decade, Mr. Bush, one sure to be, uh, remembered, if anything. Anyway, we hope you enjoy retirement, and we're all looking forward to the petulant, self-serving book you'll write in a few years that no one will read.

So from all of us here in America, we bid you, adieu, which is American for go fuck yourself.

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