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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Ho fucking ho

In The Economist's super special holiday issue there's an item on Viktor Bout, the former Soviet intelligence officer who became the world's most (only) famous international arms dealer. Otherwise known as the "merchant of death", the "sanctions buster", and the "UPS guy of doom", he was recently dealt the perennial embarrassment of having Nicolas Cage play him in a movie. Also he was arrested in Thailand for trying sell surface-to-air missiles to the FARC, the Bad News Bears of Latin America's left-wing rebel groups, who still end up losing in the end. The FARC representatives turned out to be DEA agents. Oops.

Still, Viktor Bout is the closest thing the planet has ever had to Santa Claus. He managed to fly around the world the world to deliver toys, coal, and AK47s to all of the world's needy child soldiers. When an American marine in Baghdad needed vomit-inducing MREs, he was there. When a UN peacekeeper needed bullets for the gun he wasn't allowed to fire, he was there. When the FARC needed missiles to shoot down DynCorp coca spraying aircraft, he...D'OH!

Even so, Viktor Bout is still better than sitting through an hour and a half of Nicolas Cage doing anything. I encourage everyone to sign my petition to make City of Angels a war crime.

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