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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Comprehensive solutions

Israel's offensive against Hamas and whatever else gets in the way in Gaza enters its 6th day! Poor Israel is running out of things to bomb already and will probably have to invade outright, but at least we can be sure that the current operation will finally solve everything forever.

Israel and Hamas had largely observed a 6-month ceasefire up until a few days ago. Hamas, having nothing else to do since Gaza was already a Haiti-like paradise, decided to start launching more bottle rockets at Israeli towns on the border. For all they know a child is on the receiving end of every one of these, since Qassam rockets can only be aimed insofar as they are pointed, in a direction. They occasionally manage to kill people, usually civilians. This is called "resistance."

Israel on the other hand faces this horrible existential threat and cannot sit idly while things in Gaza go unbombed. Here I've compiled a chart of just what they're up against. As you can see, anyone who suggests not bombing Gaza several geological layers further into the earth is a pussy and probably an anti-Semite.

If you weren't impressed by the moderation of Israel's response thus far, then let me crush your dreams further. Kadima, the party leading the current coalition government in Israel, composed of slightly less insane former Likud people, is almost certainly set to lose to Likud in the upcoming elections, making known douchebag Benjamin Netanyahu your next Israeli prime minister.

...AND Netanyahu's allies in Likud recently did poorly in Likud primaries because he wasn't right-wing enough. Allies of Moshe Feiglin, who advocates ethnic cleansing and annexing all the Palestinian territories, did great.

...AND Likud will probably be beholden to the nutcases in Yisrael Beiteinu, among others, to form a government, because Israel has a ridiculously dysfunctional parliamentary system where any number of tiny parties can bring down a government for fun.

So okay, here's the thing, given this wonderful outlook. Israel remains one of the few countries that, in the most literal sense of the term, colonizes territory that doesn't belong to it. (No, I haven't forgotten about you dicks in Morocco.) Israel can build a 40ft high fortified wall along the 1967 borders for all I care, but until it dismantles Jewish settlements, then hey, let's not shovel money to it? How 'bout not as much? Is this even an option? Will Barack Obama put his calm, steady hand on the $3bn anti-Semite lever of doom?

Ha, no. And we'll be reading about this shit forever.

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